Sadly enough, getting over a breakup is something that pretty much all of us have to go through at least once in our lives. It can be hard when you’re hurting and you can’t see a way past that person. Firstly, I’m so sorry you feel like this. Whether you got hurt, or your relationship simply didn’t turn out quite as you hoped. Maybe you feel like time has been wasted, or you simply weren’t prepared to feel as you do. But all of this is a wonderful lesson for you, and it will all make you a better person for going through it. You’ll be a stronger person, and it will help any future relationships you have from here on out. So, without further ado, here are my top tips on how to get over a breakup.
Give yourself time to take it all in
My first tip on how to get over a breakup would be simply to ‘feel’. You need a little time to absorb the emotion and to allow for an outpouring. Science says that love really is like a drug. Brain scans even suggest that it’s much like an addition. You get used to having that person around, and then when facing a breakup, it’s much like withdrawal. During this phase, you don’t feel yourself, and need to let go of a life you’re used to. Much like the movies, use this time to cry and adapt to your new life. It’s so important to get those tears and emotions out. Indulge on naughty foods and sad songs to make yourself better, but don’t allow yourself to do this for too long.
“There’s a blessing in the storm.”
Try not to wallow
While we all need time to react, it’s important you’re still confident in the fact that you will feel better. You will return to a healthier mindset, and you will be happy again. In fact, see this as a step to getting closer to the person you’re truly meant to be with. For that reason, once you’ve allowed yourself some time to be emotional, it’s important to pick yourself up. Eating endless amounts of junk food and watching sad movies isn’t how to get over a breakup. Consider how you’d feel if a close friend or a family member was going through the same situation. Would you recommend they wallow in the pain? Remember it’s not an ending, but simply a life lesson.
Write down the negatives
One step to help move you forward in how to get over a breakup is to make a list. Try writing down all the negative qualities about the person you’ve broken up with. Consider all the reasons why they weren’t right for you, and any niggles you may have had throughout the relationship. Think of any frustrating or annoying characteristics they had. Were there any changes you were making to your life to accommodate for them? It’s handy to keep the list somewhere you can easily access it. It can then act as a point of reference every time you begin romanticizing the relationship or person. This should help you to realize the breakup is actually something of a gift.
“Don’t go back to less, just because you’re too impatient to wait for the best.”
Consider everything you’ve learnt
It’s so important to recognize the takeaways you now have from your relationship. Just because it didn’t end quite how you wanted it to, or expected, it’s actually a positive event. One of the most significant steps in how to get over a breakup is noting everything you’ve learnt about yourself. Use this opportunity to reflect on what you will and won’t tolerate in any future relationships. Commend yourself for things you’ve done well, and recognize things in the relationship that you enjoyed. Look also at the lows, and everything you’ll know to avoid in the future. This could be anything from ensuring you’re higher priority next time, to knowing your value, and learning to trust. Know for next time exactly what you deserve.
Focus on building your self-esteem
The easiest thing following a breakup is to begin criticizing yourself. It may be some of your actions around the breakup. It may be your personality traits, or even the way you look. But the first thing to remember is that the relationship was not right. It never will be with anyone who doesn’t choose you. Instead, use this time to consider what you really value about yourself, and what you brought to the relationship. Be positive, and write down all the personality treats that you think encapsulate you. This could be any strengths, skills, or qualities that you believe you bring to the table. Consult any loved ones – they’ll be sure to provide a long list of things they love about you.
“When you’re filled with self-love, you make better choices.”
Dodge any rebounds
When it comes to how to get over a breakup, one of the easiest things is to rebound. It can essentially be seen as a quick fix. Something to make you feel better or more attractive while you’re down, even if it’s just a fleeting moment. It’s so important to remember it’s just that – temporary. As soon as it wears off, you may feel the same as before, or potentially even worse. For that reason, it’s so much better to focus on self-care and loving yourself instead. Jumping into something quickly suggests an avoidance of the hurt and pain. In this case, it’s often far better to experience the hurt and pain, and to deal with it accordingly.
Embrace your independence
When it comes to getting over a breakup, often people feel like time has been wasted. If you’ve invested time into a relationship, it can be hard when that’s suddenly swept from underneath your feet. There’s nothing worse, however, than staying with someone who’s not right instead of being alone. The sooner this can be realized the better, and hopefully then the gratitude that you’ve not had to wait any longer. You’ll have a revelation when you finally realize it’s fine to be alone, and that it’s actually good to have the independence. You’ll begin to realize your worth, and know never to settle for any less ever again.
“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.”
Visit new places
Part of how to get over a breakup is ensuring your life moves on. Psychotherapist, Mary Jo Rapini, gives some good advice in her book Re-Coupling. She advises all her clients going through heartbreak to find a new place, be it a coffee shop or a restaurant you’ve not been to, and invite a friend along. She recommends doing this once a week. The idea behind this is to throw a curveball into daily routine, and to mix it up from places you’d usually visit with a partner. The other advantage of this is that you get to spend more quality time with loved ones you may not see otherwise. Check out my list of destinations in case you need any inspiration.
Relax, and trust in yourself
This isn’t necessarily a case of waiting for the perfect person, because there isn’t one. But part of knowing how to get over a breakup is learning to trust in yourself. You need to know that you deserve someone who makes you feel good. Someone who brings out the best in you, and then some. Someone who makes you smile when you don’t want to. And someone who makes you feel secure and loved. For all these things to be returned. For this reason, it’s so important to be yourself, and to be patient. Trust that if it were meant to happen, it would have. Now, it’s important to move on, safe in the knowledge that you’ve learnt, grown, and you won’t make the same mistakes again.
“I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past”
Be realistic about the relationship
It’s so easy to romanticize on what was so great about that person or your relationship. We all pull out the rose tinted glasses when it comes to something we no longer have. Try to be grateful for the good times, but remember it wasn’t for you. When you begin to reminisce, try your best to reflect realistically on the bad times. Remember also the arguments, any disagreements, or simply the negative things that happened. This is so important to do, because your brain will try to remember only the positive elements of your relationship. For that reason, you need to keep any memories and reflections real and true.
Accept a lack of closure
We can often find ourselves wishing for a dramatic end to a relationship we were holding on to. The reality can often be quite different. Perhaps you both drifted, or ended on an argument. It’s important to remember that the desire for closure is often disguised as a wish to get back together. It’s often far healthier to accept the reality. If it has come to this, chances are you weren’t meant to be together anyway. If that person can’t talk to you or explain sufficiently why they don’t want to be with you, that should be explanation enough. Hopefully then you can begin to close the chapter. Let’s remember we all deserve someone who can commit, love you enough, and appreciate everything about you.
“In Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty. Consider this when you feel broken.”
Unfollow on social media
A key step in how to get over a breakup is unfollowing from social media. It’s a good idea typically to unfollow your ex else it may drag you down. It’s also difficult when you share mutual friends to go on Instagram and see they’ve posted about your ex. Right after the breakup, reduce the time you spend on social media. It’s natural to want to look at your ex and their friends to see what they’re doing. By all costs, resist the temptation to look because it won’t help. Instead, retrain your brain. Any time you want to look at your ex’s online activity, do something productive. Check in with a friend or family member, or check a personal goal. It’s a good idea to ask your friends to respect the fact you’re trying to move on, and that you don’t need any gossip surrounding your ex.
Give yourself goals
Before long, you’ll be much more willing to love and value yourself and your time. You’ll know what not to accept in any future relationships, and begin to start working on yourself. An important step in how to get over a breakup is setting yourself goals for personal growth. It’s all part of the healing process, and about spending valuable time on you. Know that you are lovable, loved, and someone is out there to love you as you deserve. Sit down with a cup of tea, and give yourself the advice you need. Consider what you want to achieve, and set your heart on getting these goals achieved. This could be a fitness goal, a personal project, or some training courses you’ve been wanting to do for ages. Perhaps it’s travel, or something your ex never wanted to do. Either way, now’s the time for you.
“Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend.”
That’s my guide on how to get over a breakup. Are there any other valuable tips you’d share? Let me know in the comments below.